Well, there is a big diff between not being Able to be able and not Wanting to be alone.

Not wanting to be alone is what I've mostly had to face it. It means, I'm completely capable of being on my own, emotionally speaking I've been on my own plenty of times in my life. Considering the excessive amount of times I've shut down or shut everyone out I've been alone emotionally often. Physically speaking I don’t want to be alone. I can be completely, emotionally speaking, unavailable where you will not get a serious conversation out of me nomatter how hard you try but I'm able to be there around the person or multiple people for hours, even days. Having somebody in the same room as me, even if its completely silent, lets all of my thoughts focus on them. What they’re thinking, how they’re feeling, what they’re hiding, their past, their real emotions, etc. When I’m not alone I’m able to focus on everything but myself which is my goal most of the time, to avoid facing my personal demons. I don’t want ot be alone out of fear of meeting my demise.

Not being able to be alone.. This is more common with people who are bordeline suicide. However, most people either do not know they are like this or choose not to let others know they're like this. Not being able to be alone mean literally you have break downs when somebody isn't around you. As soon as that last person leaves you, you're ready to kill yourself, cut yourself, whatever, that's fucking stupid as fuck! Even if they are coming back in the next couple of hours. This version is not particulary shown in the physical case, but usually emotional. This is more of when people need to be reassured constantly that somebody, anybody is there on call, always. Physically speaking it is shown when somebody just always is with someone else.

The second case does not apply to everyone. SOme people really are just extremely sociable. They are always wanted around so they just give in. Neither is healthy. Both is depending on others to provide something that should be self-sufficient. You shouldn't need others around. Having others around is always nice but everyone needs alone time. That is usually when you are able to hear your deepest thoughts that need to be heard but are said in a whisper. Those thoughts aren't always positive, which in my case is why I don't like the quiet or being alone.

The major diff is the two is one is in a way an option. Eg, tonight, I'm choosing to be alone. I don't want to be but I am. I could easily call someone up and have them come over heere, pick me go out and yeah. But instead, I'm just going to watch movies and tine out the inevitable on my own. Depend on myself and no one else. The ones that can't be alone are the ones who usually shouldn't be alone. Those are the one who should seek professional help, in my opinion.. That was once me also but I got better through my own personal counselor, God, Jesus, and the rest of the homies.

Try to educate or justify what all goes on and the diff type of people. I say all the time things get better, which they do with time. It might have taken me years but I evolved from not being Able to be Alone without having suicidal thoughts to just pretending not to be.

Everything is a struggle.. But its up to you to be defeated.



I hope that I could forget the past and move on as fast as I could.
Dear Jesus, take my life and make me forget the past and move on to a new life. Take my life, Jesus... You know what’s messed up?

- How someone can just decide to stop talking to you all of a sudden.
- How someone can just stop replying to your text messages & phone calls when ya’ll talked not too long ago.
- How someone can just have time to talk to other people but not you, anymore.
- How someone can start ”talking” to someone else when you’re thinking ”We’re gonna be official, soon”.


Silent Rejection, kills. Here is something that come to my mind;

We treat everyone differently, so often someone who is an asshole is actually a very sweet guy when he's your boyfriend.Well, of course he is, he is dating you. And then, I thought of how we decide how we treat different people. It is logical to say we are nice to people we love, maybe even in a selfish way.. The more we give, the more we get.

But, how do we treat the people that love us? And more importantly, can you tell yourself you are a good person if you hurt someone that loves you even if you will bend over backwards for the person you love??

So here is something for you all to think about, and remember, that it is so easy to hurt but also very easy to please the people that love us. Call up your ex and make sure they are okay and look out for the feelings of guys that is hopelessly hoping to be with you someday. It is never gonna happy. Lol.

So, can you make someone's day today?
Hope you could!
Goodluck. :D You've prolly all heard this before " The strongest and happiest people seem to have the darkest past." And it does make sense. While it is reasonable to say that pain makes you weak, it is also true that overcoming it makes you stronger. And overcoming all your past traumas can make you so so so so strong but, also very scared.


I'm one of those people whose personality is shaped around trying to avoid being hurt again. The confidence act, the lying about my past, the pretending to be shallow.. . Everything is an Act bcoz the further you keep people from you, the less able they are to hurt you.. Yeah, I've hurt a lot of people preemptively thinking it would protect me from being hurt myself. I've been pushing people away from me.

But do you know what I realize hurts so much more than being hurt??
Hurting someone your care about...... And that is what I did less than a week ago. I broke heart of an amazing boy, whom meant so much to me. If I could take the pain away from him and suffer it myself, I would. Seriously, I really would. I did something so awful thinking I was protecting myself and doing what was best for a friend and ended up, causing so much more damage than I thought was even possible. I was careless and wreckless and selfish and thinking back few years ago makes me so disgusted with myself. I can't believe that was me. I can't believe I had so much to sau about small, nasty things people did when I, myself, live in a life of moral grey shit areas.

So, I'm making a promise to myself that I'll grow as a person from this experience. That if at least, one good thing can come from experience. It will not be so needlessly painful. I will not lie unnecessarily. I won't trust to easily but, I won't withhold trust out of principle. I will be honest when I need to be. I will never, ever again be involved with someone in a relationship. It's not my right to hurt people to protect myself and it is not even in my interests either bcoz what I did hurt me more than some of the most painful things in my past.. Trying to avoid experiencing those pains again is what lead me to them.

So I hope you all learn from my mistake. Protect yourself before you start to protect you loved ones, esp, those who mean a lot to you. Keep smiling and stay strong.

PS. I hope that amazing boy whom is a friend of mine is feeling alright. I hope that he understand what I'm feeling right now. I hate when people ask me why I am not in a relationship! When I ask what they mean but the ques, I'm given answers like, "You're pretty" or "You have a great personality" (Er, I do? Ok). And although that's flattering, here's the truth;

Looks, personality, loyalty, inspiration, intelligence and etc are NOT reasons to get into a relationship. You don't get into a relationship for the characteristics your possess or just because you can. Oh c'mon. That's something that I've learned as I've gotten older. A relationship is a lot MORE than all of that. It's a place where you go to give, rather than to take. And it's also a place where the happiness flows from the Heart rather than from all the outside influences that society has so ignorantly classified relationships/love as. And it took me going through hell and shit to realize that I too had been guilty of that ignorance. I had once dated guys just because I could. I had once gotten into relationships just because they were cool and, I was wrong. I had done everything all wrong. Therefore, I made sure that for there few years, I stayed away from relationship and wait until my true love comes. Just have to be patience. I took the time out to figure out who I was, to get a better understanding of what I wanted in life, to better myself as a person and to find true happiness from within. Bcoz without your own life together, you can't contribute to someone else's anyway. And so many people make the mistake of getting into relationship before having those things together. Then they wonder, why the relationships don't work. So yeah, think about all that. Get your life together. And make sure your understanding of the concept is in check.

So now, when people ask me, I smile. I chose to love and respect myself. From that, I've already learned to love and respect the person that God will bless me with next eventho I may not have met that person yet. I chose to get my life together so that I could positively contribute to my relationship with whomever that person may be. I chose to prepare so that I could jump into things knowing that I am Truly ready and happy adn that I'm mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally stable. I chose to Wait until the moment I was truly ready to give, to love, and to live rather than actually setting out to accomplish these tasks in the wrong way!

Love and relationships are so much more than what people make them out to be. People have taken these things and twisted them so much that they've lost their value. I, however refuse. Being in one is a big challenge. It's not the same as a normal relationship and quite frankly, it sucks sometimes.. Not being able to see them on a daily basis which means, no hugging, no snuggling, no kissing for the longest time. It feels even worse when you are at your low point and all you want is to be in their arms.. But then they are so far, far away that you feel even more lonely. And then, there are days where you two don't talk all day bcoz of you all separate lives. One maybe too busy with school, family, work, etc that you feel like you are being left out. Above all, you can't do anything about this but to TRUST that everything is okay on the other end. Your trust that, they are still committed to you that they have not lost their feelings for you. But then sometimes, it feels so much worth it. Communicating makes it more special. You cherish every single conversation when you get the chance to talk. Esp when you finally get to see each other, it feels so much more special. This kind of challenge is something that most couples do not go through so this relationship is a bit diff and more special than others. On a side note, you won't deal with the clinginess of your partner all too much either and you two can still do your own thing. Basically, what I'm trying to say here is that, this kind of relationship takes a LOT of TRUST and COMMUNICATION. Lack of either trait will take the relationship to rock bottom. Also, you know what you are getting yourself into when this relationship happens. Some people forget thatt they put themselves in this situation yet they still complain about it. But hey!You kind of put yourself in this situation, you should suck it up and do something about it! A lot of people out there say that Long Distance Relationships don't work well but that is because they don't believe that it is possible FOR THEM. I'll be honest, I have said that couple of times. And I've gone through it before once as well. I can't say it was the greatest experience of long distance relationship because he was being clingy and we lived few part apart only. Malaysia - Brunei. We got to see each other once then I broke it off. We've been for like 3 years, if I'm not mistaken. He began to did something which I dislike and I couldn't straight away and fly to M'sia just to stop him. So, I told myself, this shit doesn't work aymore. So, in the end, distance doesn't really matter.

What does matter is, the person who YOU ARE with.
Do you care about him/her enough to be this far apart?
Are you willing to sacrifice to be in this relationship?
Ask yourself that before you get into a Long Distance Relationship.

It's a tough decison and doesn't work for everyone. But when you truly care or even love someone enough, you'd do anything to be with them.

That is all for today. Hope you guys learnt something. Why did you give up so fast? I wanna spanl you real hard bcoz you didn't even show some effort for me. I said no in the first place bcoz I wanted to you if you are really into me. Well.. I guess you're not. Now, I want you but its a good thing you did that cause now, I know you are not serious about courting me already.
I know, there was other girls before me. I know, I wasn't your first love. So? I know, I wasn't the first to call you mine. I know, you've called other girls baby/babe/sweetie/honey and etc before. And so? I know, I wasn't your first kiss. Then? But all I want is to be the last girl you'd ever be with, the last one that you'd love, the last one to call you mine, the last one you'd ever call baby, and the last one to ever kiss you. That. Is. All.
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