You've prolly all heard this before " The strongest and happiest people seem to have the darkest past." And it does make sense. While it is reasonable to say that pain makes you weak, it is also true that overcoming it makes you stronger. And overcoming all your past traumas can make you so so so so strong but, also very scared.


I'm one of those people whose personality is shaped around trying to avoid being hurt again. The confidence act, the lying about my past, the pretending to be shallow.. . Everything is an Act bcoz the further you keep people from you, the less able they are to hurt you.. Yeah, I've hurt a lot of people preemptively thinking it would protect me from being hurt myself. I've been pushing people away from me.

But do you know what I realize hurts so much more than being hurt??
Hurting someone your care about...... And that is what I did less than a week ago. I broke heart of an amazing boy, whom meant so much to me. If I could take the pain away from him and suffer it myself, I would. Seriously, I really would. I did something so awful thinking I was protecting myself and doing what was best for a friend and ended up, causing so much more damage than I thought was even possible. I was careless and wreckless and selfish and thinking back few years ago makes me so disgusted with myself. I can't believe that was me. I can't believe I had so much to sau about small, nasty things people did when I, myself, live in a life of moral grey shit areas.

So, I'm making a promise to myself that I'll grow as a person from this experience. That if at least, one good thing can come from experience. It will not be so needlessly painful. I will not lie unnecessarily. I won't trust to easily but, I won't withhold trust out of principle. I will be honest when I need to be. I will never, ever again be involved with someone in a relationship. It's not my right to hurt people to protect myself and it is not even in my interests either bcoz what I did hurt me more than some of the most painful things in my past.. Trying to avoid experiencing those pains again is what lead me to them.

So I hope you all learn from my mistake. Protect yourself before you start to protect you loved ones, esp, those who mean a lot to you. Keep smiling and stay strong.

PS. I hope that amazing boy whom is a friend of mine is feeling alright. I hope that he understand what I'm feeling right now.
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